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Disclaimer

Unless otherwise noted in the post title, these are not
reviews, per se. They are articles for people who have already seen the film or read the book in question--meaning that there will be spoilers. If you're already familiar with the material being covered, or don't mind the plot being spoiled, please read on and leave a comment.

Monday, October 13, 2014

My Horror Movie Survival Crate

I was recently contacted by Alexandra from Man Crates: Gifts for Men, challenging me to compile a list of supplies that I would want in my Man Crate if I were trapped in a horror movie.  I checked out the website, and their business seems like a pretty cool idea--and besides, it sounded like a fun idea for a post.  So here's what I would pack in my Horror Movie Survival Crate.

Man Crates Logo - Awesome Gifts For Men
Man Crates: Awesome Gifts For Men


If I were to pack a survival kit for life in a horror movie, the first thing that springs to mind is a gun. However, I'm no Charlton Heston. If anything, I'm Barney Fife. For the safety of myself and everyone around me, I would only be allowed one bullet that I would have to keep in my pocket. So let's find some things that would have more practical value.

First thing I would pack is a calendar. This may not seem like much, but knowing what day it is could certainly save your life within the confines of a horror film. If it's Halloween, or Friday the 13th, or April Fools Day, or basically any other holiday, it's really much safer if I do not leave the house. 

If, however, I am forced to venture out into the world, I would be sure to pack an extra can of gas. While it's true that you rarely see someone in a horror movie actually run out of gas, the trouble always seems to kick off when they stop in some small country town to fuel up. If my tank starts dipping towards empty, that extra bit of fuel will hopefully be enough to get me past Hornswoggle Gulch and into the next big city. 

Next up, I would pack a satellite phone. As we all know, cellular service is far beyond spotty in horror films; it straight up doesn't exist. If I need to reach out and touch someone before a maniac in a wrestling mask reaches out and touches me (to death), a satellite phone is what's going to make that happen. 

I would also require extra batteries. In horror films, everyone has a flashlight, but they must be running off of cellular towers because they die out at the most inopportune of times. If I'm going to be running through the woods at night, or some abandoned mental hospital, I damn sure want to be able to see where I'm going. 

Forget your fancy shoes that lace up. I want a pair that tightens with Velcro. How many times have you seen a victim in a horror movie fleeing from the machete-wielding madman, only to trip over absolutely nothing? I can only guess that they've actually tripped over their laces, and my Velcro shoes will give me one less obstacle that I need to worry about. 

And finally, I would make sure to pack my iPod, so that I can score my own death. Let's face it, we all gotta go sometime, and if I have to go down, I want to make sure that I go down to something epic like "Black Angel's Death Song" by the Velvet Underground or "Two Headed Dog" by Roky Erickson, and not "Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows"

Though come to think of it, that might make for a truly memorable scene.

That's my crate.  What's in yours?
--J/Metro

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